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Kristen (something of an embodiment of chaos)

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[04 May 2007|11:29am]
[ mood | skeptical ]

If, in fact, there is life after death, what is the point of life before death? To achieve life after death? Why am I still living my first life? It seems that life would be more efficient if we all just lived the first life for a few days and then moved on to the second life. Maybe the point of the first life is so we will appreciate the second life.

If, in fact, there is NO life after death, then life is more worthy of my time. But who am I to decide what Life is worthy of and what it isn't? Life has given me and is all that I have. Life is all that we have really, I suppose.

I should probably take a philosophy class or read an enlightening book. I am struggling to reason why I am alive; why I just do, or refuse to do, one mundane thing after another. What was the point of removing the period in between "alive" and "why" in the previous sentence and replacing it with a colon? I don't know, but I just did it. I don't even know if it's gramatically correct.

Now the blame has just shifted in my mind from Life to Me. If life is all I have, why don't I make something of it? Why do I continue to do one mundane thing after another? Why don't I go to AIDS Athens and volunteer and make friends? Why don't I really think about the papers that I write and do something about the problems that I uncover while writing them? Why am I so fucking lazy? I am apathetic, yet I want things to change. It seems that I just can't make up my mind whether to be completely passionate or totally apathetic.

Why don't I have a boyfriend? And why do I keep having dreams about Collin Dribble and his family? whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhyw I sound like a 5 year old.

Solution? The only solution that I see in my mind right now to this "problem" that I've created for myself is to go to Africa. I think that if I meet new people, see a different way of life, different values, dancing, singing, cooking, farming, instead of sleeping, drinking, buying, writing, watching tv, then I will develop a newfound appreciation for life. Then I'll go to the Mediterranean, then over to Russia, then maybe to Finland, Sweden, then I'll venture to Asia-India, Thailand, China, Japan, the Philippines. And surely I'll make it to South America eventually, smell some flowers in the rainforest, all the while, developing more and more appreciation for life. That is the only way I see it. I think at least getting out of UGA and meeting different kinds of people would help. Where is everyone? There are like 2 black people and one-half of a Latino at UGA. Everyone else seems to be just like me. I hate seeing myself a million times a day. I hate seeing myself even once a day.

This rant is over.
Finals+bad grades+period+irresponsibility+laziness+parental disappointment+not getting to do what I want to do=ranting Kristen.

2 know | where our secrets go

[03 May 2007|05:16pm]
I am so excited about Zeitgeist!! new Smashing Pumpkins album! I am so not excited about finishing finals or my grades. I have been eating so much this week that I might have a heart attack tomorrow.

Love SOAPnet channel. Reruns of the OC season 2, Beverly Hills 90210 and One Tree Hill! Then more OC!!

where our secrets go

[03 Apr 2007|12:24am]
Also, almost every single night for the past month at least, I have had bad dreams about my friends hating me. It's usually Lindsay, Sarah, Laura and Sarah Fox. The most recent one that I had, my parents found drugs in my room and cut me off financially and socially, then my friends all got together and discussed how they hated me, how I was such a bad friend, and decided collectively not to answer my calls anymore because I was annoying. In these dreams, my friends have so much hate and disdain for me. It's very sad. I always wake up thinking that my dream actually happened in real life. And I've seriously had these hating dreams at least 20 nights in the past 30 days. I think it's becoming a problem. I must be more insecure in real life than I thought I was, and the dreams don't help because then I confuse dream with reality. So, if I think you hate me, it's probably because I had at least 3 dreams in which you really did hate me. I hope they end soon.
where our secrets go

[03 Apr 2007|12:07am]
[ mood | stressed ]

Last week, one of my extended daily horoscopes from Astrology.com said something along the lines of "You have been giving someone more attention than they deserve. You should stop obsessing over this person and take a second look at them to see who they really are. Understanding who this person truly is and not just giving them unmerited affection will actually bring you two closer together." The real horoscope said it better, but you get the idea. (Collin Dibble.)

Tonight I saw Collin Dibble downtown after trivia night at Taco Stand. I told him to nestle his head in my bosom. It was kind of inappropriate but funny. But slutty. He did anyway. What else would you do if someone asked you to nestle your head in her ever growing bosom? He was with a girl from work that he hangs out with a lot. I always wonder when I see them together if they are doing it. Or something. Then I get upset. Why do I wonder? Why do I care? I wish I could ask the stars. They seem to know what's going on. Today's (March 2) horoscope says:

"Fantasizing about getting what you want? That's great. Daydreams can point you in the right direction, but don't fixate on one aspect of your goal. You could lose sight of the big picture."

Today's EXTENDED horoscope says:

"It will do you a world of good to retreat from the pressures of the outside world and just curl up by yourself for a while. If you can lower the volume of your life for a few days, some helpful introspection is bound to come. What other people have to say about your life is just noise right now, since no one can truly understand what you're feeling (despite what they say). Rely on yourself for the answers -- if you believe that you have them, they will come."

I'm not sure why the daily and daily extended horoscopes are so different. No one can truly understand what I'm feeling? That's a little dramatic. But it probably would do good to retreat. BUT I CAN'T. I have a million papers to write, starting now. It's okay. I've known about these two weeks for a long time. I knew I was going to have three papers due in one week. I just hope that I actually get things done and don't drop out of school like I did last semester. Things are different this semester, I've already started writing my paper that's due tomorrow. Last semester, I would be sleeping and not have written any of my paper. At least my procrastination and stress levels have gone down.

Now I really have to finish my paper and it's going to be difficult and long. But I'm smart.I can do it. Even though every answer I gave at Trivia night was wrong. Except I knew the river that Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer travelled. I thought bananas were the world's most produced/grown fruit, but did you know it's grapes? My group put down grapes and then I said bananas so they changed it and we got it wrong. I suppose it makes sense with all the wine production.

Now I'm just procrastinating longer.

where our secrets go

vibrate higher [07 Mar 2007|09:25pm]
Women's history month means Chief Wilma Mankiller and Riot Grrrls. Every time I hear a woman speak about her leadership she tells me that I can do anything I want to, that if I want something done, I have to do it myself, and that I can change the world. It's so encouraging. I know that these have the potential to be very naive statements and ideas, and the potential to blow up in my face. And whenever I talk with such naive hopefulness to most people, I leave the conversation feeling discouraged, stupid, trivial and powerless. Then I think, "this is surely the devil trying to bring me down." I actually don't really believe in the devil, but I believe in evil, and I suppose that the devil is the easiest scapegoat. So I'm wondering, if I take this discouragement so personally, how will I ever rise above it? How will I deal with it? It happens daily. How can I stand this for the rest of my life? How can I listen to discouragement and still change the world? And if I can't change something, I don't see any reason for being, because in my mind, things need to be changed. This is how I think every day, and sometimes I cry, and sometimes I get so frustrated that I think about burning bridges (social bridges), and usually I just have to go to sleep so I can hopefully wake up having forgotten my frustration. Mankiller said that good leaders have positive attitudes. Whether that's true or not, it's probably good to have a positive attitude anyway. How will I ever overcome? I'm just not sure, but I hope I find a way soon. I suppose I will just have to work on it for the rest of my life.

For now, at least I have Andre3000.
Every boy and girl, woman to man, when you feel you've done about the best you can, motherfuck the wagon, come join the band. Vibrate higher. Sometimes when it's late at night and you have no one to talk to, here's what you do, you go through that raggedy cell phone bout two or three times, Tracy ain't home, Tina ain't home, the Love Below starts talking to you. The circumcision has already begun, desensitizing the very thing, or thang, that brought you into this motherfucker in the first place. And when I say mothrfucker, I do mean motherfucker, because Mother Earth is dying and we continue to fuck Her to death. Play with your own score sheet, become the master of your own bation. And yes, God is watching you. But no need to be embarrassed, for the future is in your hands, no, the future is in your hand. Play with your own score sheet.
2 know | where our secrets go

[22 Jan 2007|11:55am]
I'm at the bulldog cafe right now and Allison and Sarah were talking about livejournal, so i stole Allison's laptop and started writing this. Now I have to go. bye.
1 know | where our secrets go

2007 [22 Dec 2006|12:09am]
So, Rome. I saw lots of people that I love today that I never see. That was good. Now I've done everything there is to do in Rome and it's time to go back. Tomorrow I have to sing at a funeral. I will see the second dead person I have seen since I've been in Rome. Great. Debbie Downer.

I have these crazy mood swings almost every day. I go from being completely elated to being so pissed I want to throw things to being sad. But I can never cry because of this medicine I'm taking. It's weird. And I've decided that all of these pills I pop have kept me from having boy-orgasms since I was 13. That's all.

I am excited about 2007!
where our secrets go

I got money in the bank [18 Dec 2006|07:11pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Well gosh. I haven't been on livejournal since July apparently. I really want to catch up on everyone's entries but that is going to take so long. I will probably do it anyway because I'm in Rome.

Sarah and I went Christmas shopping today. And we bought things for ourselves too. Now I'm out of money and I still have more presents to buy. I am so selfish. I've spent at least $50 on clothes for myself this month...right before Christmas! Oh shopping. Yes, shopping is a sport!

Rome is weird. So far, I've participated in North Broad Baptist Church's live nativity presentation (pushing a button on a fog machine), eaten at Schroeders with Matt Fortune, hung out with Graham Duke, gone shopping with Sarah. I miss Athens.

Well, maybe I'll start writing and reading lj again. That might be exciting.


where our secrets go

[20 Mar 2006|10:10pm]
Is Lil Jon's MySpace real? "New York" from Flavor of Love is in his top 8. I don't think her myspace is real.
1 know | where our secrets go

flowers, not fines [07 Mar 2006|10:23pm]
Happy International Women's Day!
where our secrets go

[16 Feb 2006|01:45pm]
[ mood | jubilant ]

I got my computer back and everything is just the way it was before! My hard drive is saved! And isn't today such a beautiful day? I saw bees drinking nectar from a cherry tree!

I'm going out to eat with my women's studies class tonight at Cafe Cuba.

where our secrets go

[08 Dec 2005|12:33pm]
I am truly blessed and not nearly grateful enough! I have so much to be thankful for, loving friends and family, a warm home, lots of people that really care about my well-being. I have even been blessed with gifts from total strangers! This summer, a man gave me and Taylor $5 when he saw us scrounging for change at KFC! Today, two girls just went out of their way to offer me a ride out of the rain down the hill to my apartment! I'm so amazed! And just a few minutes ago, I was feeling sorry for myself because of the dumbest, pettiest things. I ought to be more thankful more often.
2 know | where our secrets go

[02 Dec 2005|10:02am]
My dad has a facebook.

We're going to be facebook friends.
1 know | where our secrets go

Christmas! [28 Nov 2005|11:43am]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

We have Christmas lights, a wreath, stockings, a reindeer and a fiberoptic Christmas tree AND I just found "Christmas Mix 2004!"

Everything is perfect.

Happy Holidays!

where our secrets go

[08 Sep 2005|11:06pm]
The internet is still messed up in our apt.

Coulier played tonight but I watched the OC season premiere instead.

Sarah and I are going home to Rome this weekend and Jon is coming with us.

I will miss Lindsay.
1 know | where our secrets go

40 watt [01 Aug 2005|08:28pm]
Rasputina 9/21!!!
Walkmen 9/23!!!

I love Athens.
8 know | where our secrets go

[13 Jun 2005|01:58pm]
I've made some decisions. I don't know whether they're wrong or right. Is there any right decision? I'm reading Walden by Thoreau and it's causing me to rethink my life and what I want to do with my life. I'm hurting some people. Is it worth it just to be happy? Am I being selfish because I'm hurting others in the process of trying to make myself happy? I think that I'm making things harder than they should be.

I babysat 7 kids on Friday night and got $50. I was hoping for $100, but the kids were easy and I suppose that $50 in one night is good enough.

I got my blood donor card from the Red Cross a while ago and I just realized that my blood type is O Negative. According to the Red Cross, only 7% of the population has O Negative type blood. Crazy! Even crazier is that O Negative blood is used in emergencies because every other blood type can accept O Negative blood, so if the blood type of a person is not known, paramedics can just pull out some O Negative blood and everything is okay. My mom heard on the radio that the Rome hospitals need O Negative blood, so I suppose I'm obligated to donate. How special.

Sarah is back in town. Eveything will soon be okay I know. My new kitten Moe loves me and I love him. He licks my cheeks and gives me butterfly kisses.
3 know | where our secrets go

another thought... [05 May 2005|01:16pm]
I can't wait to see SME. I can't listen to them sitting still. I'm so excited that several SME shows await me in Rome!
1 know | where our secrets go

not even ten degrees [05 May 2005|11:38am]
[ mood | antsy ]

I feel like making my entry as compact and organized-looking as possible.Collapse )

7 know | where our secrets go

[03 May 2005|04:56pm]
[ mood | bored ]

I'm ready to go back home.

6 know | where our secrets go

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